I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
