I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
