I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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