Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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