Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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