I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
