there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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