The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
