Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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