Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
