Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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