if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize