My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
