in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
