It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
