I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
