Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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