He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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