If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
