I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
