My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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