It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
