There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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