I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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