Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
