he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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