Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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