I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
