Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
