i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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