I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
