Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
