She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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