I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
