tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
