I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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