Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
