I just pynch a tree in the face
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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