Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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