note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
