Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
