the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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