whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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