maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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