Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can Purell be used as lube?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
