Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
