She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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