Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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