To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
