dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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