Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
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