I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
