I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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