Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
