Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
