i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
